Not a huge amount to add to what has gone before - the last week has seen more of the same really - gardening - painting - family stuff - its all been absorbing in its own way - physical - and a world away from my usual method of working.
I recently came across the following thought from that master of spiritual soundbites, Jonathan Sacks. It moves us beyond the 'Religion is a comfort blanket' approach that bedevils so much of current religious debate. Its been popping in and out of my mind - asking me to whether I have the faith and ability to listen to the voice of reality...
'It is not that faith is difficult. It is that listening to the voice of reality is difficult and faith is the courage to live with that difficulty.' Now take 5 minutes and think about it - and then try it...

Where have all the words gone ?

I realise that I haven't posted for 10 days - the reason is that I have been occupied with many things such as...

• Cleaning the greenhouse - and then re-potting lettuces that are now housed in a green house with a new paved floor and glass no longer caked in pigeon mess (they really are a pain - why did God and/or evolution allow them space in our green and pleasant land - what useful function do they preform ?)
• Clearing bamboo from the garden (I now believe that this is the devil's plant - it's roots spread every where, well under the surface and are incredibly hard to root out cleanly)
• Filling in holes and then painting the family bathroom
• Family stuff - which has been complicated and demanding (no surprise there)

All the of the above has taken more time then I had expected or wanted, however I also know that I needed a break from the sabbatical -almost a sabbatical from the sabbatical.
Four weeks ago I was aware that my mind was full of stuff - so much so that I couldn't read a book without my eyes glazing over after the first paragraph; I couldn't pray without staring into space. Preaching felt like wringing a cloth to squeeze out the last drop of water.
I needed a break from thinking, reflecting, writing and talking about God.
People joke about Vicars and the length of their sermons and how people fall asleep during them and how they are the most dispensable bit of the service - blah, blah, blah.
Well, this Vicar has felt for a long time the weight of responsibility that comes from speaking.
Somewhere in the Upanishads is a verse that describes God as the 'One before whom words recoil.' What can you say about God ? It is such a burden to say anything meaningful that does not sound trite, naff, one sided or disingenuous. A German theologian once said that all preachers preach heresy - in some ways this relieves us from trying to say everything in a 10 minute slot. And yet it is a struggle not to talk nonsense in public - especially when it comes to God and the ways of God in the world.
I needed a break from speaking - from weasel words - but also from thinking meaningful thoughts - from looking for the next good idea - from the next story I could drop into a sermon - from reflecting on what God is saying - from bothering and badgering God.

So I have been absorbed by weeds and walls waiting to be washed and coated - frustrated by how long these things take. I have done this knowing that God is big enough to look after himself without my help or my thinking and speaking - and I have also noticed, every now and then, a trickle of energy and a small space opening up inside me - giving me room to breathe and to see and hear the world and God afresh.

Julian and the long wait

Today is the day when churches remember Julian of Norwich, a 14th century recluse who had a series of visions whilst seriously ill. She spent the next 20 years reflecting about their meaning before writing of her experiences, in a book that was the first to be penned by a woman in the English language. Twenty years is a long time to take in working out what these experiences meant - what God was saying. Its a long time in our day - but in Julian's when the average life span must have been around 35 years and when the Black Death was wiping people out - twenty years was 2/3 of a lifetime.
It raises the question - 'What if I only understand what God is saying to me, many years from now ?' 'What if the worth or value of this time only becomes apparent a long time in the future. Have I got the patience for that - have I got the nerve to believe that a sabbatical might only begin a process that becomes clear a long time ahead. And what about the church in the current climate - What if the worth of someone's ministry is only apparent long after they're gone ? What if God is speaking but in a way that means we will have to hold our nerve and not get spooked by the long wait that is necessary for us discern and understand ?